Personal POV: Grief is not linear

Navigating relationships in grief

This thought came to me about a week ago when a friend’s spouse passed away. They were, and are, a tight-knit family — they have three younger children, are extremely outgoing, and always looking to make others smile. When their loved one got sick at an unexpectedly young age, the spouse pulled back and became distant, practically disappearing from day-to-day activities.

Their reaction wasn’t to jump in and be there for every moment — it was to hide. If they couldn’t see it, maybe it wasn’t really happening. Through this, friends and others cared for the ill loved one and their children. When the loved one passed away, the spouse became even further distanced. They were there, but not really there.

I was having a conversation with one of the people who had been helping the family, and they said the spouse needed to “start doing their part.” This was four days after their loved one died. I’m not judging them, as I understand where they were, too — tired, grieving the loss of someone they loved, overwhelmed, and most likely wanting to hide themselves.

This is where I started thinking about grief and how everyone handles it differently. It can feel like you’ve finally gotten through the darkness, and then it hits you again out of nowhere.

As a hospice community, grief and death are part of daily life. You know the textbook stages of it, you see it, and you help people through it. It’s a lot to take on every day and continue to demonstrate empathy while not overwhelming your own emotions and risking your mental health in the process.